Subtle Red Flags: Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

Me: When it comes to men, what are the biggest red flags?
Jules: Is under the age of 35. Is breathing.
Kayla: Believes in God.
Me: …. Right.

Most of my friends have tragic taste in men. It’s understandable, given that 98% of the male population is undateable, but it’s distressing nonetheless. For example: it was a month into their courtship, and the entire squad already wanted to frame our friend’s new bf for tax fraud. She was stunned. After all, he didn’t exhibit any of the overt red flags all girls know to be self-evident: describing his exes as crazy, disrespecting his mother, calling women bitches or sluts, or posting “All Lives Matter.” He was even a Democrat!

“It’s the little things that make him a piece of shit,” I gently explained to her. Toxic relationships are peppered with tiny, quiet clues that – on the surface – don’t seem significant, but make you pause. And if you listen closely, you can hear a faint voice in the back of your mind… it’s your woman’s intuition… and it’s warning:

“Honey, he ain’t shit.”

In this case, he constantly interrupted her; he cracked jokes that “she must be on her period” whenever she got angry (So original! Such wit!); and when another friend mentioned chopping off her hair, his uninvited opinion was: “Don’t do that. Guys don’t like girls with short hair.” (Finally, a man lets women know how he wants us to live our lives!)

She was oblivious to these flippant, chauvinistic idiosyncrasies, but they immediately triggered the Kill Bill siren in my head… and I was, regrettably, not the least bit surprised when he exposed his true fuckboy colors by pulling a Ben Affleck.

Ergo, in the name of the first half of “Lemonade” and feeling especially sassy, I’ve comprised a list of 50 lowkey red flags. Read it, learn it, love it. So now, before bae can reveal he’s less of a Justin Trudeau and more of a Justin Bieber, you’ll already be halfway out the door. Save that douchebaggery for Becky with the good hair.

1. Pronounces GIF like “JIF.” Sure, that’s technically the ‘correct’ way…. but it’s gross and you need to stop.
2. Thinks Jamba Juice is healthy.
3. Claps when a plane lands.
4. Has a car as his profile picture. This suggests he is either a) unspeakably ugly or b) secretly a Transformer. Both should be avoided at all costs.
5. Still uses Axe body spray.
6. Follows Dan Bilzerian (“The King of Instagram”) on any form of social media.
7. Is weirdly close with his sister. See: is from the South.
8. Owns more than zero pairs of white sunglasses.

   

9. Similarly, wears sunglasses at night. Yikes. Or on the back of his head. Double yikes.
10. Doesn’t “believe” in buying girls drinks.
11. His favorite shows include: Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, or Entourage. The first three mean his sense of humor sucks; the latter screams douche.
12. Does Crossfit.
13. Posts more pictures of his dog than you.
14. Texts like there’s a 140 character limit, i.e. thx, u, omg, and so on. Horrendous spelling or grammar in general should immediately dry you up.
15. Has his own Kickstarter.
16. Still talks about how popular he was in high school or how good his football team was. In related news, he probably works at your local 7/11.
17. Says ‘Merica.
18. Only dates Asian girls. Full disclosure: it’s highly suspect when men have any sort of race fetish, but somehow the creepiest ones are always white dudes thirsting for Asian chicks.
19. Is from Florida.
20. Has ever once popped his shirt collar. THE D WILL NEVER BE WORTH IT.
21. Describes himself as a ‘gentleman.’ This ensures that he will, without a doubt, not be a gentleman.
22. Posts pictures of himself posing with fish he caught. Excessive hunting photos should also make you think long and hard about your relationship.
23. “Women should be flattered by catcalling!”
24. Wears a necklace*. Gold chains are obviously the worst offense and guarantee that he pinches girls’ asses at clubs.

    

25. Describes anything as “frat,” says “frat life,” and otherwise doesn’t seem aware that he’s no longer in a fraternity.
26. When asked his favorite artist, names a DJ. See: attends Coachella just for the Do Lab.
27. Says he only dates blondes.
28. Wears nice outfits (button-down shirt, khakis, etc.) with Rainbow sandals. Or just wears flipflops in general. No one wants to see those deformed, hairy flippers you call feet, bud.
29. Edits his Instagram pictures more than you. Or has ever used the Hefe filter.
30. Thinks women can’t be funny. Like bitch, read my blog.
31. Doesn’t have any books in his room. Alternatively, says he “doesn’t like to read.”
32. Only listens to country music.
33. Asks you out on a date and then doesn’t at all object when you offer to split the bill.
34. Is the type of guy to walk up to girls and say, “Where’s my hug?” We all know one of these.
35. Uses more emojis than you over texting.
36. Never dates women his own age.
37. Has ever, in the entirety of his time on earth, taken a gym selfie. Or documents trips to the gym.
38. “You should smile more!” …Would you ever say this to another man? No? Thought so.

    

39. Is a poor tipper.
40. Has used the hashtag #humble at some point. No one who is actually humble has ever done this.
41. Snapchat is his preferred method of communication. (The messages disappear, you can easily send nudes… it’s clearly every fuckboy’s dream.)
42. Prefers Pepsi to Coke.
43. Still takes mirror selfies, as if we’re not in the year 2016. Flipping off the camera or posing with sideways peace signs are also obviously dealbreakers.
44. Fist bumps.
45. Refuses to share meals. Or gets angry when you eat his fries, like that isn’t to be expected.
46. Regularly gets into heated political debates on Facebook.
47. Wears camo.
48. Has his own name tattooed anywhere on his body. Or a neck tattoo. Or a face tattoo. Chinese characters when you’re not actually Chinese are also tragic and should be avoided at all costs.
49. Refers to women as “females.” Calls gay people “homosexuals.”
50. Is named Chad.

I have more, but I felt this was sufficient in making men everywhere hate me :)

This post has been brought to you by The Bungalow

(Which inspired numbers 1-50 on this list)

*Clarification: this red flag is specifically directed towards white boys.