Author: Arianna

This week marks my 1 year anniversary with my new boo, Los Angeles. Time sure does fly you’re stuck in gridlock traffic! I’m proud to say it has truly been every bit as materialistic, superficial, and gluten-free as I had hoped. Continue reading →

“I haven’t really paid attention to Madonna since I was in 7th or 8th grade, when she used to be popular”
-Mariah Carey

What is shade, exactly? The phrase first seeped into mainstream culture in 1990 when a documentary on drag queens in NYC, “Paris is Burning,” aired. It was jargon that circulated exclusively within the LGBTQ community – until 2013 brought a sudden spike in popularity. However, as rampant as the terminology now is, people still butcher its usage on the daily. Continue reading →

Anyone who knows me knows that eating is my passion project and I’ll most likely be buried next to a carne asada burrito when I die. Thanks to Mama Marti’s genes, I was blessed/cursed with the world’s fastest metabolism – which, yes, is 100% a curse when you’re forced to keep a mountain of granola bars next to your bed for when you wake up famished at 3 am. (I wish that was a joke. It is not.) Friends have proposed I bottle my metabolism and auction it on the black market, so it would be a real waste if I didn’t exercise it to its full potential. Continue reading →

Me: When it comes to men, what are the biggest red flags?
Jules: Is under the age of 35. Is breathing.
Kayla: Believes in God.
Me: …. Right.

Continue reading →

3. You can participate in group sex parties

Let’s rewind to St. Patrick’s Day: it was a Thursday and all I longed for was a mellow night spent scarfing down authentic Irish meals and the occasional pint of green beer. This is not what happened. Continue reading →

2. You can go to YouTube parties

My frenemy, Steve, always invites me to these shindigs because his buddy organizes them – but I recently discovered they’re also open to all you commoners. You can click this nifty link to sign up; there’s a new one popping up every month and it’s an easy way to stalk me.

So this is what your experience will probably entail: Continue reading →

“Your life is weird,” people like to inform me on a daily basis. It’s true, while I’ve made strides to unleash my inner basic for this autoblography – hitting up mimosa brunches, attending Moon Goddess yoga (it’s a thing), and making my ears bleed listening to Justin Bieber (sorry, Born Again Beliebers) – there seems to be some transcendental force out there… and it ensures nothing ever goes normally for me. It doesn’t help that I have questionable taste in men. Continue reading →

Before creating my Bumble and Hinge accounts and thus upping their bad bitch ratio, I briefly considered OkCupid for the laughs… even if it did guarantee me an older/crustier demographic.

Hannah: DON’T DO IT.

Me: Why?

Again, I was presented with a cautionary tale: Continue reading →

Let’s talk Tinder. My findings:

• As you’re probably aware, swiping right indicates you ‘like’ someone/don’t find them entirely repulsive while left says “hard pass, bro.” What you may not know is that girls have a roughly 99.9% chance of matching – something that happens when both parties approve of each other – with everyone they deem worthy of a right swipe. “Is this typical?” I questioned my focus group, i.e. a few of my girlfriends in a group text. They agreed with a resounding YES and/or yas queen. Continue reading →

It’s easy to meet guys in LA because none of them have any shame. At bars, I typically get approached an average of 4.3 times, consistently with the same opener: “You’re so exotic. What are you?” (In these sort of situations, I recommend answering “North Korean,” just to throw them off.)

Last weekend I had one undesirable greet me with, “Besides heaven, where are you from?” I wish that was a joke. Naturally, I responded with “Hell.” Continue reading →