Coronavirus has left humanity with more questions than answers. Why are people hoarding toilet paper? Why is everyone suddenly making homemade sourdough? Am I too old to use TikTok? Will I ever be motivated to wear a bra again? Does it make me a major pedo if I think Paxton from Never Have I Ever is a total snack*?
But to pivot away from super timely references for a moment, the inquiry that lingers at the forefront of everyone’s mind is, undoubtedly, “When will this all be over?” It would be ridiculous (and a flat out lie) to claim I have the exact answer to that, but I can say – with unhappy, Debbie Downer certainty – it is: “Much longer than however long we think it’s going to be.” Whomp whomp.
“I thought this blog was supposed to be light-hearted and borderline funny, not a total buzzkill! What is this… Twitter?” one of my eight readers is probably thinking right now (probably my dad). To which I say, “Pal, surely you’ve seen my Trump roast? Sporadically reminding my audience that the world is a dumpster fire is my M.O.!”
Kiiiidding. In all seriousness, I don’t want this entry to be a smorgasbord of “negativity” and “despair” – but before I can ease back into those uplifting anecdotes we all love oh-so-much, we’ll need to get that pesky reality check out of the way. Because, unfortunately, I’ve seen far too many people downright flabbergasted that our stay at home orders extended to April, and then to May.
Because 30 Rock truly has a scene for everything.
As someone who had her designated mental breakdown a solid month earlier, I could only feel puzzled that others were reacting to the stay at home extensions as if they were some sort of Shyamalan-esque plot twist. I had dealt with my denial and anger back when COVID cases first popped up in the US, and by mid-March, already reached the “acceptance” stage of grief and conceded we were in this for the long haul.
To put it all in perspective: Wuhan City was put on balls-to-the-walls lockdown on January 23rd. It wasn’t until April 8th – a full 76 days later – that the government began easing up restrictions. Meanwhile, in the US, we have more than 8x as many reported cases than China and seven states that haven’t even implemented any state-wide stay at home orders because #freedom or whatever. The reason why I kissed my Hot Girl Summer goodbye before spring break even started – and why I suggest you all do the same to save yourself some heartbreak down the road – was because I recognized pretty damn quickly that the US was going to take the cake for “Country That Handles This Shit In The Worst Way Possible.”
As a nation, we boast the *chef’s kiss* of factors why COVID-19 would thrive… and why there won’t be a happy fairytale ending any time soon. Some of those key ingredients include:
- Anti-intellectualism runs rampant and objective facts are dismissed as ‘fake news.’ Honestly, I’m surprised the “fire Fauci” protests didn’t start sooner.
- There’s our abysmal healthcare system. This catastrophe is yet another reminder of the necessity of universal healthcare; our safety relies on the safety of all, and we are only as healthy as our least-insured citizen.
- Then there’s the astronomical economic disparity in the US versus other developed countries – we consider coronavirus-related deaths, of course, but what about all of the families who rely on a steady income to afford even basic necessities? Naturally, like every other facet of life, racial disparities have also quickly emerged.
- You also can’t forget Americans’ steadfast obsession with individualism and capitalism, often to our own detriment. See, this is where we could take a few pointers from Asian countries and that whole concept of collectivism (a fancy way of saying “giving a crap about something other than just yourself”).
- Of course, the US is basically unrivaled in its penchant for mass incarceration, which only further increases the spread.
- And finally: our incompetent federal government which has butchered the handling of this crisis every step of the way, forcing local and state governments to assume leadership (or to continue to disappoint, as was the case with Wisconsin’s election). The loss of human lives will barely be a blip on Trump’s radar and he’ll delay stimulus checks in order to ensure his name is printed on them, like the sad, empty little man he is.
On that delightful, feel-good note, I’ll leave it here for now! Part 2 (and 3, inevitably) coming soon, once I figure out a way to trim down the casual 7,000 paragraphs I’ve written into about 1/10 that size. And somehow make it not completely, utterly depressing.
*He’s 29 IRL. You’re good.
The Art of Being Basic 
just when I was I was starting to feel good again, you had to wake me up