I Went To New York and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post, pt. 1

“I visited LA and didn’t hate it. And I hate myself for saying that. I think I even liked it. God, I hate myself.” -Random New York Guy

For the first time since last August – when I became besties with an entire gay bar in Paris and dabbled in binge drinking in Ireland – I unwinded with a much-needed vacay in the concrete jungle that never sleeps. My mission? Eat yogurt on the steps of the Met like Blair Waldorf, sell my soul for Hamilton tickets, and track down the Abbi to my Ilana.

When I attended a Late Show taping during my trip, Stephen Colbert declared, “I love New York. It’s an amazing city – but it’s not the only place out there. You have Chicago, which is fantastic. And LA… which exists.”

Stephen, I adore you, BUT WATCH YOUR WHORE MOUTH.

The NYC vs. LA rivalry is legendary, among the ranks of Real Madrid vs. Barcelona (pardon me- Barthelona), DC vs. Marvel, NSYNC vs. Backstreet Boys, Gingers vs. Mankind, Dodgers vs. Winning*… It’s time we settled this. And considering I played tourist for a full 7 days, I’m essentially an expert on the matter!

*Yeah, I went there.

Food

I’d also like to think I’m the world’s most qualified person for judging food. Why?

No, it doesn’t fit in my pocket. And yes, the case ever-so-slightly obstructs the camera lens, resulting in gold splotches bordering every photo.

But for the sake of style – coupled with its potential as a weapon (seriously, flinging this would knock any mofo out cold) – The Burger is here to stay.

Anyway, Mama Marti’s side of the family tree is East Coast-bred, so I’ve dicked around NYC before… ergo my sole objective this time around was to eat my weight in carbs. If I didn’t gain at least 10 lbs I was gonna be pissed. And since my travel motto is to do the things you’re supposed to do, that equated to experimenting with all of the local faves. For example:

Halal Guys: this Middle Eastern gyro joint is widely regarded as the #1 stop for street food. I ate there twice within a 6 hour period… so that’s all you need to know, really.

BaoHaus: a Taiwanese-Chinese paradise courtesy of chef Eddie Huang. Just take all my money!!!

Magnolia Bakery: this is when the disappointment kicked in. Their signature red velvet cupcake earned a “whatever” from me; the cake itself was HARDLY sweet, so in other words, Andy Samberg is a damn liar. However, their exquisite banana pudding had me thinking that perhaps there is a God.

Grand Banks: I don’t always eat oysters, but when I do it’s on a boat on the Hudson River. Ideal date location slash place to hit up when you want to feel bougie.

LuAnne’s Wild Ginger All-Asian Vegan: order the scallion pancakes. You can thank me later.*

*Though feel free to also thank me now.

Cacio e Pepe: I’ll take an enormous cheese bowl with a side of pasta, please. Gotta work on that bikini bod!

Momofuku: my Japanese skills are pretty rusty, but I can tell you this translates to “Lucky Peach” – see, my blog is educational, after all! I tested their renowned Cereal Milk ice cream which, as the name suggests, mimics the taste of cereal-soaked milk. Personally, I was no fan, but points for originality. Do yourself a favor and order 500 pork buns instead.

Pros:

• New York slays the Italian and Asian food game. In particular, Artichoke pizzeria – considered one of the finest in the city – had me hooked on their trademark artichoke pizza slices.
• “Have I died and gone to foodie heaven?” -me, gawking at the restaurants lining every block. Sure, mimosa brunches are all the rage in LA, but ‘health and fitness’ still lingers in the back of everyone’s mind. As a result, stuffing your face isn’t as deeply embedded in the culture here as NYC.
• Yes, LA has history. But unfortunately, it’s all-too-common for Mom and Pop stores to go bankrupt and get replaced with generic chains. In New York, I dined in countless hole-in-the-wall eateries that had been casually chillin’ there for the past 100 years. Tres vintage.

Cons:

• Where the tacos at? As an East Coaster, Marti legitimately assumed that Taco Bell = Mexican food until she moved to California and that’s NOT OKAY.
• LA wins in the health food department. Yes, more and more juice bars are popping up in NYC (because starvation is fun!), and I did stumble upon a vegan ice cream truck…

• But it can’t compare to out West where every ingredient is vegetarian, soy, dairy-free, GMO-free, blessed by God, etc. LA could make a mountain of chia seeds taste delightful.

Overall: it’s a toss-up for which city reigns supreme – plus, let’s be real, my standards for food are real low… like, below sea level/I regularly fantasize about Boston Market low. Basically, it all depends on your personal preferences.

People

“New Yorkers are trying to be nicer but we’re still not good at it. My neighbors will come up to me like, ‘It’s a beautiful day today, YES OR NO?'” -New York Comedian

Let’s consider the stereotype that New Yorkers are aloof and rude: I rate that as half-true. My professional opinion is that ‘age’ and ‘capacity to be a dick’ are often directly correlated. I witnessed countless old ladies hurling snide remarks at each other and even received some death glares of my own. Considering I’ve been universally adored up until this point in my life, their iciness was down-right shocking. Yet that wasn’t the case at all with my fellow millennials; everyone was nothing short of super friendly. In fact, I mentioned my Krav Maga skillz to one stranger and he offered me the number of his friend with a studio. “Just say you know me and he’d love to give you a free class,” he told me.

Granted, New York is brimming with transplants and people are typically more pleasant towards a young woman with the face of a cartoon deer (i.e. me)… but generally, I’d like to believe my generation is much more open-minded and supportive, with our kale and our Buzzfeed quizzes and our insurmountable inherited debt.

One last tidbit to contribute: I saw some dude walking and thought to myself, Wow, he’s fine. If only he were a few inches taller.

Me: Doesn’t that guy look familiar? I think he may be famous.
Kayla: That looks like it could be… Nate from Gossip Girl?
Me: Wait, you’re totally right.
*both of us stare*
…
Kayla: He’d be so hot if he wasn’t short.

Later, I Googled him.