How to Handle Awkward Situations like the Basic Queen that You Are

Every year it happens. You’re congregated around the table for another Thanksgiving feast, shoveling truckloads of mashed potatoes into your mouth like it’s feeding time at the zoo (after all, the calories don’t count on holidays!), when Aunt Debbie launches the classic backhanded compliment: “How come you’re still single? A pretty girl like you should definitely have a boyfriend.”

You’re saying: “I’m not too sure. I guess there’s no one I’m interested in right now.”

You’re thinking: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AUNT DEBBIE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

And maybe also: “I don’t know, Deb. Why is it that your husband’s gaze lingers on your son’s 19-year-old babysitter? I suppose there are just some things in life that remain unsolved mysteries.”

But what if I clued you into an alternative option? You’re a reigning basic bitch of LA now; you have pumpkin spice lattes to drink, BMW convertibles to drive, selfies to filter, and that leaves zero room in your Lilly Pulitzer planner for embarrassment. So, this week’s subject: handling social awkwardness with the poise of Princess Diana and the sass of a Parisian hairdresser named Angelo. A verbal hair flip, if you will. Trust me, I never answer anything seriously and it’s worked out great for me so far!

When someone says there’s food on your face.
“Oh, that? Saving it for later.”

When asked if some guy is your boyfriend.
“He’s one of my many suitors, it’s so hard keeping track of them all!”

Or perhaps:
“Oh, him? He’s just my ‘Thursday night.’ Thank god for Tinder, am I right?”

When asked if you’re religious.
“Does the worship of Beyoncé count? Because if so, then yes. Extremely.”

When asked “if you should really be wearing that.”
“Well originally I wanted to go naked, but then I realized it would be so rude of me to make everyone jealous.”

When some douche tells you to smile.

When asked how many people you’ve slept with.
“Actually, last week I decided to be a Born Again virgin. So I guess that’d make it zero. And yourself?”

When asked if you’re on Tinder.
“Yeah, just to catfish my ex. It’s working, for the record.”

When someone tells you they found you on Tinder.
“That’s obviously a stranger pretending to be me. Identity theft is no joke.”
(See: my Study in Thirst.)

When asked “why won’t you date me?”
“It probably has to do with the commitment issues I developed as a result of various childhood traumas. I can consult my therapist and get back to you.”

When asked why you weren’t at the party.
“I’ve never experienced FOMO before so I wanted to see what it’s like.”

When asked about your ex.
“Who? Sorry, I have a horrible case of amnesia. I’m basically Rachel McAdams in The Vow.”

Or if that reference is a bit too obscure for you:
“Sorry, that name isn’t ringing any bells. It’s probably because I ‘Eternal Sunshine’ all of my exes.”

When asked why you’re still single.
“Actually, if we’re being completely honest, I’ve already found The One…. It’s myself ❤️❤️❤️”

Another possibility:
“I have this really exotic strain of herpes and feel it would be deeply unethical to pass it on.”

When some annoying dude asks what your job is.
“Flourishing serial killer, actually. But don’t worry, I only target incompetent young men. Oh wait…”

When asked how old you are.
“I’ll be 14 this October. Surprising, I know. Makeup really works wonders!”

When asked why you aren’t married.
“Trust me, I’ve tried. I blame my awful dowry. The most my parents can offer are a few goats and an old cow named Skippy.”

When asked how much money you make.
“I’ll have to get back to you on that. Thats a whole lot of $1 bills to count!”

When someone says you’ve gained weight.
“Oh, really? Great. I’ve been trying to keep fat on so I last through the winter!”

So remember, you can’t stop people from being nosy and crass, but you can ensure they feel like the uncouth peasants they are afterwards! It’s in times like these I always look to my idol, political powerhouse and resident HBIC, Claire Underwood, for guidance. Take notes: