“I haven’t really paid attention to Madonna since I was in 7th or 8th grade, when she used to be popular”
-Mariah Carey
What is shade, exactly? The phrase first seeped into mainstream culture in 1990 when a documentary on drag queens in NYC, “Paris is Burning,” aired. It was jargon that circulated exclusively within the LGBTQ community – until 2013 brought a sudden spike in popularity. However, as rampant as the terminology now is, people still butcher its usage on the daily. Bitchiness 101: being shady =/= hating on someone. On the contrary: to throw shade is to launch sly, understated zingers that flex your creativity muscle. They’re the types of comments that, 10 minutes after the fact, the Becky in question will wonder to herself, “Did I just get burned?” (Yes, honey. Yes, you did.)
So here’s a compilation of insults whose subtext reads: “It’s a shame you’re a Michelle when I’m a Beyoncé.” Now next time you cross paths with your slimy ex who had the audacity to slide into your sorority sister’s DMs, you’ll be fully equipped to passively yet sufficiently gut his ego. These lines are also effective against any Tinder match who deems you “a total hobag” for not responding to his abhorrent messages. And for that unnecessarily sassy lady at the DMV. The options are endless, really. Either way, your shade game will be so strong haters will swear there’s a solar eclipse.
General shade:
(After a weird comment) “Oh… were you homeschooled?”
(After a bratty comment) “I’m guessing you were an only child?”
“You still use Internet Explorer, right?”
“Were you an Art History major or something?”
“You’re the Charlotte to my Carrie!”
“Your sense of humor is very ‘Seth Rogen.'”
Shade their trashy and/or loser lifestyle:
“I’m sure high school was the greatest time of your life.”
“Are you from the South? Because that would make sense.”
“I could see you on Jerry Springer.” (Or if you want to be extra savage, Maury.)
“If you went to Hogwarts you’d definitely be in Hufflepuff.”
“Where did you go to college? Arizona State, I’m assuming?”
Shade their political ignorance (my personal favorite!):
“Did you read that on Buzzfeed?”
“Oh, is that what your dad thinks?”
“Is that what they’re teaching at community college these days?”
“Weren’t you super into KONY? No? Oh, you just seem like the type.”
“Did you vote for Ted Cruz? I get that vibe.”
“Let me guess: you’re a Libertarian.”
Shade their mediocre taste:
“You listen to Nickelback, right?”
“It’s not up to my standards but would be perfect for you!”
“You like (insert TV show here)? You must be so relieved it hasn’t been cancelled yet.”
“You seem like a Pepsi person. Take that however you want.”
“Do you drive a PT Cruiser? That seems like it would suit your… style.”
“Oh, you like (insert singer or band here)? That’s so awesome they still have fans.”
Shade their appearance:
“I wish I had the confidence you do to go out without makeup on.” (Effective when they’re clearly wearing makeup.)
“That’s such a cute selfie. Which version of Photoshop do you use?”
“You’re aging so well for being white.”
“I’m sure you’ll grow into your looks someday.”
“You must be really good with makeup.”
(If they’re a woman) “You got your looks from your dad, I’m guessing?”
(If they’re a man) “I’m sure that if you make enough money women won’t even pay attention to your looks.”
“Wow, that’s an amazing photo of you. I hardly even recognized you!”
“I like what you tried to do with your hair.”
(When they ask something about how they look) “What’s so wonderful about you is your sense of humor/fashion sense/anything unrelated to appearance.”
“Love the new haircut! Did you do it yourself?”
Shade their (lack of) style:
“Your outfit is so old it’s back in style.” –The Notorious JBSC, when his frenemy asked for a compliment. Got ’em.
“Where’d you get that dress? I’m pretty sure my mom has the same one.”
“Your style is very…” (long, judging pause) “… 80s.”
“Cute shoes! They remind me of Crocs.”
“I love how you just wear anything!”
“Oh, is that haircut/skirt/etc. coming back into style? Interesting.”
“What a beautiful (designer) purse! You can barely tell it’s fake.”
“Love the shirt! Clearance section of Kmart, right?” (You can also toss in an additional, “I bet it must be such a relief to have your mom still shop for you!”)
“So I take it that Miley Cyrus is your style icon?” (Also applicable: Kristen Stewart, Shia LaBeouf, Lady Gaga, etc.)
Shade their love life:
“That’s great that you aren’t too picky about who you date.”
“You have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“Which dating app did you two meet on?”
“How nice! You’re dating someone who is exactly what you deserve.”
“I’m sure this will work out much better than your previous relationships. Practice makes perfect, right?”
“I guess there truly is someone for everyone.”
“That’s so refreshing that looks aren’t everything to you.”
And when all else fails? Pause, look them up and down, and with a sugary-sweet smile, say, “Bless your heart.”
The Art of Being Basic 