Are You Going To Eat That? pt. 1

Anyone who knows me knows that eating is my passion project and I’ll most likely be buried next to a carne asada burrito when I die. Thanks to Mama Marti’s genes, I was blessed/cursed with the world’s fastest metabolism – which, yes, is 100% a curse when you’re forced to keep a mountain of granola bars next to your bed for when you wake up famished at 3 am. (I wish that was a joke. It is not.) Friends have proposed I bottle my metabolism and auction it on the black market, so it would be a real waste if I didn’t exercise it to its full potential.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that I reserve a LA Food page in my iPhone notes for my most beloved spots and places recommended to me, meticulously divided by neighborhood and featuring the finest dishes each restaurant has to offer. Bottom line: this ain’t a drill.

So without further ado, here are my top 3 most mouth-watering eateries in each pocket of LA. Please spare me all those “So and so is so much better!” or “You forgot (insert restaurant here)!” comments. Because, first of all, I don’t give a shit. And secondly, let’s keep in mind I’m a recent graduate boasting a bank account that’s severely lacking in commas. Plus, I’ve been settled in LA for a mere year now. I mean, sure, 95% of my earnings are funneled towards Postmates and chipotle mayo, but a girl can only eat out so much without a sugar daddy around. So these may not be the highest quality shindigs out there, but they’re all genuine foodie classics where you can’t go wrong. Get on my level, Yelp.

Venice

Café Gratitude – This vegan paradise is a major celebrity hangout so I go here regularly in hopes of getting discovered. It was also my #1 destination last time my dad, Tim, was in town because it’s painfully cliché and I knew he would despise it. Daughter of the year over here! I’m semi-kidding, because the food is actually marvelous and Tim adored their “Mucho” bowl, but it’s so LA in the way that every menu item is named “Blessed” or “Courageous” or  “Humble” – and you’re fully expected to order by stating, “I am Courageous.” When our waiter, who I believe was named Kale, served our juice shots, he said, “I am so very honored you came to join us. While we are preparing your food, we encourage you to discuss and ponder our question of the day. Today’s question is ‘What are you grateful for?'” Tim turns to me: “This is a joke, right?” ‘Fraid not, Daddio!

Mao’s Kitchen – “Chinese food is always so greasy!” you say, like the ignorant American that you are. FALSE. Mao’s will prove you wrong, with their delectable lettuce cups, bok choy over chow fun, and long-life green beans. Warning: a friend of mine once shared a horror story about how his food didn’t arrive for 2 hours, and when he called, the restaurant disclosed that they were told to dispatch all of their delivery peeps for a certain order. Guess what Kylie Jenner ended up instagramming a couple hours later? That’s right, a table covered with boxes of Mao’s as far as the eye can see. Talk about klassy.

Update: I’ve recently been informed by Helen (an employee there- she’s a real gem) that not only does Mao’s lack a freezer – i.e. the food really is that fresh – but every morning their noodles are prepared from scratch. In conclusion: you’ll never eat Panda Express again.

26 Beach – I’m not the only one who daydreams about French toast, right? Right? Well, if you don’t already, it’s time to start. 26 Beach features a full page on their menu dedicated solely to French toast and I can confirm that every single one I’ve sampled (only 3, but they’ve all made an impact, okay?) has been worthy of 5 stars. Aim for the #19 if you’re craving something savory or Go Bananas for those of you with a sweet tooth. Or if you’re feeling ambitious, why not both?

And it would be a sin not to mention their sushi burgers. The California Roll option, for instance, is a beef patty paired with snow crab salad, ginger, avocado, seaweed, lettuce, tomato, and a wasabi-soy sauce blend mayo. During my most recent visit, I ordered that plus their ‘Elvis’ french toast (stuffed with peanut butter, banana, and blueberry jam) and although I was close to vomiting, I had absolutely no regrets.

Best Drunk Food: People outside of LA are always skeptical about food trucks, but here, it’s a godsend that should be fully embraced. My personal favorite? Kogi, hands down. Their KBBQ tacos are to die for and I can’t recommend the short rib enough. It’s also recently come to my attention that their sliders, too, are miracle workers.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Wurstkuche – German sausage place that presents… uh, exotic hotdog options such as: rattlesnack & rabbit with jalapeno, lamb with Mediterranean spices, and pheasant with Herbs de Provence. Does that horrify you? No worries, there’s also a vegetarian smoked apple sage sausage that I’ve tried and loved. You’re welcome, PETA.
2. Urth Caffé – Another vegan/organic/non-GMO sort of place. I’m all about their green tea boba and people-watching. Hipsters are wild, man.
3. Deus Ex Machina – A motorcycle store meets coffeeshop, as well as my writing spot of choice. Go for the dirty chai latte, stay for the cute bikers. (No, seriously, I always see hot guys there. No need to thank me, ladies.)

Marina Del Rey/Playa Del Rey

Irori – Need a unique date spot? Irori’s got you covered. This sushi studio is as authentic as it gets: taking off your shoes is required and you sit at tables that are sunken in beneath the floor. So you’ll want to do this bad boy for the atmosphere/your Snapchat story- although the food ain’t bad either. Make sure you sample some of their tempura vegetables because they feature a ton of options – like Japanese eggplant and squash – you won’t find just anywhere.

Tandoor A Indian – I love me some Indian food. And believe it or not, I’ve got a Greek mom who is an Indian cooking pro, so I won’t devour just any ol’ Chicken Tikka Masala. Tandoor A Indian gets a pass from me, though. It’s a precious little place, with uber friendly staff, and the only real downside is I got tragically lost trying to locate their bathroom once. So be sure to try their Garlic Naan – and order extra for me.

Update: After a solid 5 hours of debating if I should stop being a lazy asshole and cook for myself, I decided upon delivery from Tandoor A Indian. BIG MISTAKE. It was 40 minutes late and, at that level of starvation, I contemplated whether my life was even worth living. I’ll throw them a pass because they usually provide quality service at the restaurant… but I’m so utterly traumatized by my experience I’d rather not risk it again.

Locanda Positano – Things here are done the Italian way. You can tell the manager truly prides himself in his work because he’s always out and about, keeping an eye on everyone and guaranteeing they’re satisfied. But he won’t bother you. Like I said, they’re very European in the way that you’re not constantly being bombarded with, “Would you like a water refill?” or “How’s your food tasting?” – the staff clearly wants you to sit back and bask in the moment. The pasta is homemade, bread fresh out the oven, and even with my extremely limited knowledge of wine, I could tell they poured a mean red – so make your reservation ASAP.

Best Drunk Food: Sunny Spot, a trendy little brunch joint open until midnight. And with their unlimited mimosas and Bloody Marys, it makes a clutch hungover spot as well.

And if that’s not late enough for you party animals, there’s also Killer Cafe, perched right on the marina, open 24/7. But approach with caution, for their food is mediocre at best. Last time I stumbled over there I was 7 tequila shots deep and not the least bit wowed by my breakfast burrito… so you can only imagine how it tastes not completely blacked out.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Mendocino Farms – Fast but oh-so-good and fresh. Trust me when I say you should snag a side of their cauliflower couscous.
2. El Huarique – For when you’re on that Peruvian kick and don’t want to get food poisoning at your local El Pollo Loco.
3. Tender Greens – If you want to feel healthy. I recommend their Happy Vegan with extra helpings of green hummus.

Most Overrated: Everyone always loses their shit over Sugarfish but the steep prices and minuscule, bland portions don’t do it for me. Needless to say, I’m more of a Katsuya girl myself.

Long Beach

The Attic – If memory serves, The Attic was originally a house that got renovated into a restaurant. Which would make sense, since it radiates that warm, homey ambiance and everything they serve is 100% fatten-you-up comfort food. You can’t go wrong with anything on the menu (I personally can’t seem to quit their fried pickles or meatloaf- it’s like crack to me), but if there’s one thing to stuff your face with, it’s the Flaming Hot Cheeto Mac N’ Cheese. Yeah, you heard me. Flaming Hots combined with mac n’ cheese. God has been listening to our prayers, y’all.

Seoulmate – Any restaurant that devises a pun out of Seoul and soulmate automatically deserves no less than 3 million stars. The building is flamingo pink, but this place can be easy to miss, just barely poking out among other larger structures. I’ve had friends insist their Asian fusion burritos seem ‘weird’ – so I cut those people out of my life because I have no need for that sort of negativity. In reality, the peculiar combinations are what makes the food so outstanding and blog-worthy. In fact, I still have erotic dreams about their Running Man burrito – scrambled eggs, melted cheese, kimchi, and lettuce all bundled up in one great, big, loving tortilla… Great, now I’m hungry again.

Callalo – Have you ever tasted Trinidadian food before? No? That’s what I thought. This hole-in-the-wall joint serves the most prime dishes the Caribbean has to offer, some of my favorites including their chicken curry, beef rota, and – obviously – the macaroni pies. In all honesty, I wouldn’t rate Trinidadian food as one of my all-time favorite cuisines, but Callalo compensates with their impeccable service and hospitality – and on the bright side, now you can seem cultured at dinner parties when you recite all of the Trinidadian food you enjoy. (They also have a steel drum and don’t mind when you break everyone’s ear drums playing it, which I’ve done.)

Best Drunk Food: Archibald’s. Honestly, this future crime scene restaurant is pretty nasty, but I’ll be damned if I don’t love a place that serves burritos, waffles, and cheeseburgers. Worth the imminent heart attack.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Los Compadres – Don’t let the sketchy exterior fool you, the food is top-notch and I have yet to get shot there.
2. Baba Ganoush – Lebanese place with phenomenal lentil soup. Because it’s important to mix things up.
3. Potholders – Classic diner that features French toast available with peanut butter or cream cheese filling… so that ALONE is justification to go.

Parts 2 and 3 will be coming atcha once I eat through more of LA. Dear friends: hit me up if you’re also looking to carbo load. Dear restaurants and brands: feel free to sponsor my shameless gluttony. That means you, Sriracha.