“Want to know why you’re always sick? Because alcohol is an immune suppressant.” -My dad, Tim, solving the mystery of my life in 20 words or less
Top five highlights of the week:
1. Creepy British kid achieves newfound level of creepiness by randomly texting me that he’s outside my window one night. Marti, what were you saying before about how packing my bear pepper spray is unnecessary? Right.
2. Various classmates told me I have a charming American accent and to never change it. As if my ego needed any more boosting.
3. After a solid 20 year streak, I finally found myself in a situation where I was the one underdressed. This horrible twist of fate occurred because my adopted aunt/life coach, Penny, insisted we hit up a club immediately after dinner and The Life of Pi. How I was granted entry in my wool leggings, sweater I’m 90% sure Marti knitted in my former bedroom/now personal sweatshop, and fugliest REI ski jacket I will never know.
Even better, it happened to be a private party for employees of some consulting firm. As the only attendee there clearly born in the 90s, all I could do was think, “Have I died and gone to silver fox heaven?”
Yet despite being dressed like I was about to climb Mt. Everest, I managed to score a little free tequila, my preferred beverage of choice! (As I’m sure you know, I made a vow in third grade to consume only tequila and have subsequently done all within my power to stay true to that promise.) Everything was running smoothly until the French businessman I was chatting with found out I was twenty and started choking on his martini. Comment dit-on “age is just a number” en français?
4. Here in London, students attend massive lectures and then much smaller seminars where participation is required. As the token American in most of these courses, the Brits love to drill me with questions of how we survive in the land of botox, morbid obesity, and Kim Kardashian’s fetus. For example…
Q: “Is it true that in San Diego you can walk around in your swimsuit?”
A: “Absolutely, I don’t even own pants.”
Q: “Are Americans as ignorant as everyone says?”
A: “Maybe slightly less stupid. But as a general rule, I tend to avoid the South.”
Q: “I don’t like George Bush.”
A: “Does anyone?”
Q: “What’s it like not having royalty in the US?”
A: “Well, we have Blue Ivy, which is kind of like the same thing.”
5. Discovered an old In-N-Out receipt in my wallet, leading me to the harsh realization that I won’t be eating my usual (double double no tomatoes, animal style fries, neapolitan milkshake heavy on the chocolate and easy on the vanilla… obviously) until summer. Why must bad things happen to good people?
The Art of Being Basic 
should have packed your mink coat!
Marti, we both know my moral stance on wearing fur. Getting frostbite will build character!